And so it begins...

So here I am again.

Standing on the edge of another summer.

For reasons that I've never been able to understand, I don't think I've ever had an enjoyable summer. I know this goes back to when I was young, having a troubled, lonely childhood, especially when my birthday rolled around in August, but I feel like I should be over all that by now. I've led a great life for a while and still do, but for whatever reason my summers always haunt me.

Two summers ago I went through a life-chaning philosophical re-evaluation of my life, in which I kicked my old religious beliefs, which I held very tightly. While I am happy for having gone through this then, it wasn't an easy process at all.

Last summer I'm pretty sure I exhibited all the signs of workplace stress, as well as a few for social anxiety and probably even depression. Having a completely stupid relationship (and breakup that followed) that really threw me off certainly didn't make things any easier.

I told myself that those horrible summers were caused by the job that I worked at (40 hours a week of gruelling, over-taxed labour for which I received no respect) and as such decided to not return for another summer, but here I am now, feeling the exact same way. I've even set out this plan to make this my best summer...I'm living with great roommates and I don't plan on working full time, to avoid unwanted stress. There will be plenty of partying and socializing, and keeping this very blog, which I've wanted to start for a while now. I'm still sketched out, though.

Maybe it's because I'm tired from an exhausting four days away from home, out at Kevin's cabin in BC. Maybe it's because it's past midnight and I'm extra tired because I'm coming off of a marijuana high. Maybe it's because I'm anxious about beginning to look for a job tomorrow, knowing that most places currently aren't hiring. Maybe it's because I'm sitting on this stupid old green futon in my closet of a room, still waiting for Mark to move out so I can actually move into a room that's bearable. Maybe it's because I can hear the joyful chatter of two different couples just down the hallway while I sit here alone, reminded that I've been single for a loooooooooooooooooong time now.

Maybe.

Or maybe it's something that I still can't quite put my finger on, that same damn thing that's haunted me for so many summers. I honestly can't remember the last time that I had a good, enjoyable summer...isn't that crazy? I can't figure it out for the life of me.

I guess it's still a liiiiiiiiiiittle too early to judge. I mean, my last final was less than two weeks ago; summer is just beginning. There's plenty of time to turn this all around and to have the best summer of my entire life. Still...there's this aura surrounding me that I don't like. It's freaking me out right now. I think I just need to buckle down and brace for whatever is coming.

For now I'm going to relax until I feel tired enough to go to bed. Maybe keep reading Watchmen. I should probably shave, too. Misery Signals is playing out of my shitty laptop speakers (oh, how I can't wait until I have a desk to set up my good computer speakers on)...their music always speaks to me, after every single listen. Now it's the new Metric CD playing...

"We're so close to something better left unknown."

"Come on baby, play me something, like Here Comes The Sun."





I'm very thankful that Syd's extreme admiration for Metric caused me to stray away from the music that I normally listen to and give a further, closer look at this band. They're growing on me at an exponential rate. I'm also thankful that Syd started up a blog of her own recently...it really gave me more inspiration to stop being lazy and get this one created. I'm sure I'll send this link to her to show her my blog like she's done to me with hers...so, Syd, this is my shout out to you. You're one of my closest friends and I'm going to fucking miss you like hell this summer while you're in Radium, even though I already miss you a ton right now.

Just thinking about Sydney being gone made my sad, but now I'm cheering up, remembering all the fun I've had in the very short (although it feels so very long) time that we've known each other. Hmm...maybe this is a good sign that my summer might not be so bad after all?